PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.

Jon Ribbens

When Jeff Dean listens to mp3s, he just cats them to /dev/dsp and does the decoding in his head.

Anonymous

Any fool can use a computer. Many do.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean can beat you at connect four. In three moves.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean once failed a Turing test when he correctly identified the 203rd Fibonacci number in less than a second.

Anonymous

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

Mitch Ratcliffe

When Jeff gives a seminar at Stanford, it's so crowded Don Knuth has to sit on the floor.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean puts his pants on one leg at a time, but if he had more legs, you would see that his approach is O(log n).

Anonymous

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Anonymous

Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean once shifted a bit so hard, it ended up on another computer.

Anonymous

Chuck Norris can kill you. Jeff Dean can kill -9 you.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean sorts his phone contacts by their vcard's md5 checksums

Anonymous

Jeff Dean doesn't use ECC memory. He anticipates cosmic rays and uses them to improve performance.

Anonymous

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Doug Linder

Google once had to move out of a datacenter after Jeff Dean accidentally compressed the index so densely that a black hole was formed.

Anonymous

Documentation is like sex; when it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing.

Anonymous

In googlis non est, ergo non est.

Anonymous

Two roads diverged in a wood and Jeff Dean Took both of them in parallel And that has made all the difference

Anonymous

All pointers point to Jeff Dean.

Anonymous

It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies.

Mike Royko

Act in haste and repent at leisure; Code too soon and debug forever.

Raymond Kennington

Jeff Dean doesn't sleep, he just sends SIGSUSPEND to the universe.

Anonymous

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

Martin Golding

Jeff Dean eschews both Emacs and VI. He types his code into zcat, because it's faster that way.

Anonymous

I’m not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn’t need an interpreter.

Nicholas Petreley

Letting XP run for more than a month is like re-using a condom 50 or 60 times. Theoretically it can work, but is sick and ill advised.

Anonymous

The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon.

Jerry Olsen

The speed of light in a vacuum used to be about 35 mph. Then Jeff Dean spent a weekend optimizing physics.

Anonymous

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Mark Twain

When Jeff Dean fires up the profiler, loops unroll themselves in fear.

Anonymous

When your code has undefined behavior, you get a seg fault and corrupted data. When Jeff Dean's code has undefined behavior, a unicorn rides in on a rainbow and gives everybody free ice cream.

Anonymous

When Jeff Dean designs software, he first codes the binary and then writes the source as documentation.

Anonymous

To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

Anonymous

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

Anonymous

“unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep”: my daily unix command list.

Anonymous

There is no 'Ctrl' key on Jeff Dean's keyboard. Jeff Dean is always in control.

Anonymous

Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it!

The Blues Brothers

Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.

Linus Torvalds

Knuth mailed a copy of TAOCP to Google. Jeff Dean autographed it and mailed it back.

Anonymous

Software is like sex: it's better when it's free.

Linus Torvalds

To iterate is human, to recurse divine.

L. Peter Deutsch

Jeff Dean's IDE doesn't do code analysis, it does code appreciation.

Anonymous

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

Confucius

Chuck Norris is Jeff Dean's 20% project.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean was born on December 31, 1969 at 11:48 PM. It took him twelve minutes to implement his first time counter.

Anonymous

The x86-64 spec includes several undocumented instructions marked 'private use'. They are actually for Jeff Dean's use.

Anonymous

Commenting your code is like cleaning your bathroom — you never want to do it, but it really does create a more pleasant experience for you and your guests.

Ryan Campbell

I don't try to be a threat to Microsoft, mainly because I don't really see M$ as competition. Especially not Windows-the goals of Linux and Windows are simply so different.

Linus Torvalds

Jeff Dean can recite 20,000 digits of pi in 5 hours. He doesn't remember them; he just recomputes them on the fly using only O(log n) space.

Anonymous

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.

E. W. Dijkstra

Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.

Keith Bostik

Program testing can be a very effective way to show the presence of bugs, but is hopelessly inadequate for showing their absence.

E. W. Dijkstra

Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.

Einstein

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean proved that P=NP when he solved all NP problems in polynomial time on a whiteboard.

Anonymous

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

Anonymous

In God we trust–all others must submit an X.509 certificate.

Charles Forsythe

Relying on the Government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping Tom to install your window blinds.

John Barlow

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

Joseph Campbell

Jeff Dean has gone to /dev/null and come back.

Anonymous

If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.

Anonymous

Once, in early 2002, when the index servers went down, Jeff Dean answered user queries manually for two hours. Evals showed a quality improvement of 5 points.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean's code is so fast the assembly code needs three HALT opcodes to stop it.

Anonymous

When Jeff Dean sends an ethernet frame there are no collisions because the competing frames retreat back up into the buffer memory on their source nic.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean simply walks into Mordor.

Anonymous

This is LINUX land, in silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting.

Anonymous

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works. Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works. DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work. Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Anonymous

gcc -O4 emails your code to Jeff Dean for a rewrite.

Anonymous

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Jef Raskin

Windows 95 /n./ 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Anonymous

Java is the most distressing thing to hit computing since MS-DOS.

Alan Kay

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot.

Dave Barry

Jeff Dean once implemented a web server in a single printf() call. Other engineers added thousands of lines of explanatory comments but still don't understand exactly how it works. Today that program is the front-end to Google Search.

Anonymous

Don't sweat it -- it's not real life. It's only ones and zeroes.

Gene Spafford

When God said: "Let there be light!", Jeff Dean was there to do the code review.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean invented MapReduce so he could sort his fan mail.

Anonymous

The rate at which Jeff Dean produces code jumped by a factor of 40 in late 2000 when he upgraded his keyboard to USB 2.0

Anonymous

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

Anonymous

Saying your OS is the best in the world 'cause more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean was forced to invent asynchronous APIs one day when he optimized a function so that it returned before it was invoked.

Anonymous

Remember, even paranoids have real enemies.

Delmore Schwartz

Jeff Dean invented Bigtable so that he would have a place to send his weekly snippets.

Anonymous

Windows Vista: It's like upgrading from Bill Clinton to George W. Bush.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean's resume lists the things he hasn't done; it's shorter that way.

Anonymous

There’s no obfuscated Perl contest because it’s pointless.

Jeff Polk

I am regularly asked what the average Internet user can do to ensure his security. My first answer is usually 'Nothing; you're screwed'.

Bruce Schneier

2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."

Anonymous

Jeff Dean took the bite out of Apple's logo.

Anonymous

Manually managing blocks of memory in C is like juggling bars of soap in a prison shower: It’s all fun and games until you forget about one of them.

Anonymous

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jeremy Anderson

Vim's preferred editor is Jeff Dean.

Anonymous

One day Jeff Dean grabbed his Etch-a-Sketch instead of his laptop on his way out the door. On his way back home to get his real laptop, he programmed the Etch-a-Sketch to play Tetris.

Anonymous

If you're having trouble sounding condescendent, get a Unix user to show you how.

Scott Adams

How rare it is that maintaining someone else’s code is akin to entering a beautifully designed building, which you admire as you walk around and plan how to add a wing or do some redecorating. More often, maintaining someone else’s code is like being thrown headlong into a big pile of slimy, smelly garbage.

Bill Venners

Jeff Dean remembers only one password. For each site, he concatenates it with the site name, computes its SHA-256 hash, and then types the result.

Anonymous

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

Steve Wozniak

Unsatisfied with constant time, Jeff Dean created the world's first O(1/n) algorithm.

Anonymous

Google Search was Jeff Dean's Noogler Project

Anonymous

The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it.

Linus Torvalds

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

Jeff Dean's PIN is the last 4 digits of pi.

Anonymous

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Anonymous

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean can get 1s out of /dev/zero.

Anonymous

A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

Waldi Ravens

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

Anonymous

Linux is no OS. It's a core dump which boots by accident.

Anonymous